“CARMEN ELECTRA CARRIED OFF BY RADIOACTIVE BUGS ON A TROPICAL ISLAND”

I realized on Thursday night and again on Sunday that only one week into my life as a blogger, I had already failed you, my loyal reader. (If there are two of you now, YAY!) Thursday, in anticipation of the big opening of the movie Starsky & Hutch, TV Land had a little marathon of original Starsky and Hutch episodes, and yet I — a huge fan of that kick-ass Ford Torino when I was a child — failed to let you know.

Then, last night, sure everyone knew about the big season premiere that everyone was obviously watching, but did you know about Monster Island, MTV’s first obvious foray into the art film? Or at least retro-1950s-style-sci-fi schlockfest? TV Guide summed it up with the quote above, but the real stroke of genious is that none other than the great Adam West plays the mad scientist who creates the very radioactive bugs to carry off dear sweet Carmen. (Strangle enough, although MTV usually just airs things once and then they’re gone forever, don’t despair because Monster Island will be on again today at 2:30, Thursday at 11:30 AM, and Friday at 9PM.)

And people say there’s nothing good on television.

But you missed it. And it’s my fault for not providing fair warning. So right now, I hereby institute a look at the week ahead. Hell, I always wanted Dalton Ross’s job anyway. So below is everything that you should be watching this week, including what’s featured on TCM, the best programmed, and most educational, movie channel on all of television. Of course, all times (and if necessary, channels) listed are for New York City. If you’re not here, well, you have bigger problems.

• Mon 3/8 at 7:00 AM on Showtime:Quick, I know you’re reading early. Get that VCR set so you don’t miss one of the funniest yet most overlooked of all Woody Allen films – Love and Death. It’s Allen’s take on Russian literature and foreign films with a particular nod to Ingmar Bergman. It’s hysterical, and if you’ve never seen it, didn’t have enough notice or don’t subscribe to Showtime, rent it.
• Mon 3/8 at 9:00 PM: Tonight you can choose between movies based on a schlocky 70s cop show or the story of the crucifixion of Jesus. No, I’m not talking about Starsky & Hutch or the behemoth that Mel built. Rather, at 9 PM, NBC and ABC give us much better options starting with Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Charlie’s Angels. The original show with Farrah, Kate and Jaclyn (rather than Cameron, Drew and Lucy) actually aired on ABC, but I guess they didn’t want to be involved with anything “unauthorized.” Either that or ABC thought that the trauma of seeing a bunch of people create a hugely successful TV show based completely on feathered hair and T&A was not dramatic enough, so they’re giving us Judas instead. Just in case you walked out of The Passion horrified and terrorized at the violence you had just seen and were saying to yourself, “What was Judas thinking betraying him like that,” here’s your answer. The story of the gospels through the eyes of the great betrayer. Now, the film was executive produced and written by the great Tom Fontana, best known for the fantastic cop series Homicide: Life on the Street and HBO’s prison drama Oz, so maybe this is edgy and interesting. On the other hand, it’s been on the shelf for over two years so … I’m going for the T&A.

• Monday 3/8 on TCM: A marathon of Sherlock Holmes films, starting with the 1959 classic The Hound of the Baskervilles starring Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.

• What do you mean you missed The Sopranos? Thankfully, HBO cares. You can catch it tonight at 10 PM on HBO2, and tomorrow at 11 PM and Wednesday at 9 PM on HBO.

• Monday 3/8 on Cinemax: In anticipation of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, catch Charlie Kaufman’s last screenwriting masterpiece, Adaptation.

• Tuesday 3/9 at 9:00 PM on UPN: If not for America’s Next Top Model 2, I’m sure I would forget that UPN even existed, but Tyra’s little contest easily rivals the Donald’s for best reality show! I’m rooting for a final 2 of lupus-afflicted Mercedes and ex-con waif Shandi. Sadly, now that the evil Camille is gone, I think Mercedes may be leaving next.

• Tuesday 3/9 at 9:30 PM on Fox: I mentioned the new show Cracking Up last week. Starring Rushmore breakout star, former Phantom Planet drummer and Coppola nephew Jason Schwartzman and Saturday Night Live vet Molly Shannon, and created by The School of Rock, The Good Girl, Orange County and Chuck & Buck writer Mike White, the show has a pretty good pedigree. Schwartzman plays a psychology grad student who moves into the guest house of a dysfunctional wealthy family (like there’s any other kind) and hijinks ensue.

• Tuesday 3/9 at 10:00 PM on ABC: I wouldn’t normally suggest anyone watch NYPD Blue anymore, but on this week’s episode there’s a DUNKLEMAN ALERT! That’s right, Ryan Seacrest’s original American Idol co-host will be showing up, hopefully to seduce Dennis Franz.

• Tuesday 3/9 on TCM: All of tonight’s films feature time in their title, including a couple great westerns. At 10:15 PM, Glenn Ford and Van Heflin star in 3:10 to Yuma. Girl, Interrupted and Identity director James Mangold plans to remake this film sometime this year, so see the original first. And at midnight, you can catch Gary Cooper in one of his all-time best performances in the classic High Noon.

• Wednesday 3/10 at 9:30 PM on Fox: If you missed last night’s Cracking Up premiere, you might want to check-out this episode featuring a guest shot by the lovely Zooey Deschanel.

• Wednesday 3/10 at 9:00 PM on IFC: Ben Kingsley lost the Best Supporting Actor Oscar two years ago to Jim Broadbent, but if you watch his ruthless and heartless gangster in Sexy Beast, you won’t be sure why.

• Wednesday 3/10 at 10:35 PM on IFC: Lars von Trier’s musical starring Bjork Dancer in the Dark is definitely no Sound of Music. A brilliant but depressing film … you should try seeing it as I did a couple years ago: back-to-back with Requiem for a Dream. I’ve been in therapy ever since.

• Wednesday 3/10 on TCM: A night of Charlie Chaplin, featuring an 8:30 PM showing of the groundbreaking and hysterical Modern Times.

• Thursday 3/11 at 8:30 PM on NBC: Catch Chloe Sevigny’s reconstructed smile and Mrs. Soprano Edie Falco losing all their New York and indie credibility by guest-starring on the utterly unfunny Will & Grace.

• Thursday 3/11 at 9:00 PM on NBC: The Donald sends his minions out to run a pedicab business on The Apprentice. I’m guessing Katrina is the next to go only because she seems to lose it pretty easily, and I have no doubt that she’ll manage to go off the deep-end once again.

• Thursday 3/11 on TCM: Sports are on the docket tonight starting with two car racing movies: at 8 PM James Garner headlines John Frankenheimer’s Grand Prix, and then Elvis Presley and Nancy Sinatra star in the 1968 racing musical Speedway. The prize of this evening, however, doesn’t start until 3:00 AM when TCM will broadcast Steve James’s phenomenal 1994 documentary Hoop Dreams.

• Friday 3/12 on Fox: Fox rolls out the best and worst of what it does with a new low-brow reality show and a new quirky hourlong drama. At 8 PM, Fox again shoots as low as possible with Playing It Straight, yet another reality dating show. The twist here is that the chooser (a woman in the “Bachelorette” mode) has to select from a group of guys, some of whom are gay and trying to fool her in order to win a chunk of money. See, if you’re a guy on a Fox dating show, you get to pretend you have a ton of money while women fight over you. If you’re a woman, you have to select from a group of guys including some who may want each other more than you, and if you pick the wrong one, you get nada. But right after this new low, Fox premieres Wonderfalls, a quirky new drama about a 20-year-old woman working in a souvenir shop at Niagara Falls who suddenly here’s some of the inanimate animal souvenirs talking to her. I have a feeling that somewhere along the way, she’ll learn valuable lessons. Nonetheless, it sounds like a potentially fun and interesting new show.

• Friday 3/12 at 9:00 PM on Lifetime: Office Space. On Lifetime. Yeah, I don’t get it either, but might as well watch it again just to feel a little better about my own crappy office job.

• Friday 3/12 on TCM: An interesting lineup of films “based on true stories” this evening on the only real “Classic Movie” channel out there. First at 8 PM is Yours, Mine and Ours with Lucille Ball as a widow with 8 kids who must have gotten really drunk and never sobered up because she marries widower Henry Fonda who has 10 kids of his own in this precursor to The Brady Bunch. Then at 10 PM is Steven Spielberg’s first feature film, The Sugarland Express starring Goldie Hawn. (And it was his first feature. Duel was made for TV.) And finally at midnight, see why nobody doubts that Robert Blake could kill his wife by watching his portrayal of Perry Smith in the great In Cold Blood.

And there’s your week in preview.