ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: THE “IF IT’S TUESDAY, THIS MUST BE MARS” EDITION

Posted byAaronOOFPosted inUncategorized

Personally, I think the terrifying news of a potential The Fast and the Furious 3 is far more important than any of AIM’s top three stories today, but obviously if I knew what I was talking about, the inconsequentiality of the AIM welcome screen headlines the past couple days would have simply been an anomoly rather than regular practice. So pay close attention because it seems that nothing happened in Haiti or Iraq, and the Attorney General is perfectly healthy and no closer to death. And there’s no way that the confirmed death of Spaulding Gray was important enough to make this list. So here’s what you should know this morning:

  1. Breaking News: Long Lost Mars Rover Beagle Spotted
    Not that this isn’t an important science story, but it’s not even the top Mars exploration story of the day. I think the failure of one of our rovers to actually work as it was intended to is a bit more pressing. Instead, this is the kind of story that should maybe be the third headline, but here it’s “Breaking News.” Also, the lede isn’t even as definitive as the headine, stating, “Beagle 2, the British space probe which disappeared as it descended towards Mars, may have been spotted on the surface of the Red Planet, scientists say.” It “may” have been spotted. Whew! I’m relieved.

  2. O.J. Accused of Satellite Piracy
    Ok, first … who the hell cares? Do we really need to ever hear news about O.J. again. He’s more over than whatever The Shaw Report says is “In.” But let’s even suppose that anyone is interested in the life of the Juice. No really … go with me for a sec. Does anyone really care whatsoever that he’s obviously been reading the back of Rolling Stone so much that he decided to buy several of those satellite box descramblers? Or that, like every illegal action he seems to take, he got caught? And is now being sued? I didn’t think so. To be fair, shame on the AP for even filing the story.
    And in tangental news … there’s a great piece on Fametracker from the end of 2002 that argues for a movement to force Jessica Shaw to switch careers.

  3. Dear Abby Falls for Spoof Letter
    Alright … this may not be important, but damn it’s pretty funny. Kudos to the letter-writer for cribbing from The Simpsons.

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