SEACREST … OUT! AND TAKE QT WITH YOU (OR, THE MISEDUCATION OF AI CONTESTANTS)

It was so very very wrong. The chin almost decapitated Ryan Seacrest as Quentin Tarantino embarrassed himself last night on American Idol more than in any of his acting performances, and that’s a pretty major achievement. After an edited segment so reverential it must have been smoking hot in the tape deck thanks to its recent evacuation from QT’s ass, the only ego big enough to actually leave a shadow over Simon Cowell’s sat down at the judges table. To his credit, eventually Tarantino settled into the roll as judge and didn’t simply laud platitudes at all the contestants, but at first, he made Paula seem like the bitch with nothing good to say.

The saddest thing about this episode actually wasn’t the fact that Tarantino’s egomaniacal filmgeek wannabe hipster persona continuously reared its ugly head, punctuated usually by an “aw-right?” at the end of every phrase (giving me flashbacks to the “Mmmkay” school counselor from South Park). Even more disturbing was seeing him try to impress the 16-year-old female contestants on whom he has obvious crushes. But as a cinefile, I was actually far more upset by what resulted from this movie-themed show.

First of all, if you’re wondering why I spend any of my time watching American Idol, it’s quite simple really. I like TV I don’t necessarily have to pay attention to. I also like TV I can’t tear myself away from, but especially on a night like last night when I had a lot of work I had brought home with me from the office, ambient TV was much better. Still, my brain manages to multitask just enough to do my work and pay attention to the show. Yeah … it’s a talent I’ve spent years cultivating.

I also enjoy the show for the same reason so many other people (even those above the age of -teen) watch it: it’s “fun” to “play along” and root for your favorite. And not all the contestants blow. In fact, the crop of eight on last night’s show seems to be definitively split into two groups: those who can sing a little bit, and those who can really sing and perform. The first group of four will be gone over the next four weeks. The second group presents a toss-up of who may win the whole thing.

But back to the issue at hand. On last night’s show, each of the contestants had to sing a song from a movie. These ranged from “Against All Odds” to “As Time Goes By” (which I’m pretty sure the genius Seacrest simply called “Casablanca”) to “Summertime” from Porgy and Bess to Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing” to — ugh … of course — Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” But before each performance, a short video clip of the contestant talking about his/her “favorite movie” aired. The all-time favorite movies listed by “our” American idols (drumroll please) are: The Wiz, Sister Act 2, Dead Poets Society, Bowfinger, Finding Nemo, Lilo & Stitch, Aladdin, and Finding Nemo.

The hell? Look, I’m not expecting any AI contestants to pull out Breathless, The Bicycle Thief, The Red Shoes or even my all-time personal favorite movie, Sunset Blvd., but Bowfinger? Which 16-year-old Diana DeGarmo called “the absolute funniest movie of all time”? I’m sure they were partially instructed as to what they could or couldn’t pick (ironically, I’d bet Pulp Fiction was probably on the no-mention list), but Lilo & Stitch? Sure, 16-year-old Jasmine Trias is from Hawaii and always wears a flower in her hair, so I’m there’s a little connection with that incredibly mediocre Disney animated film, but haven’t these kids (and some of them are in their earlier 20s) seen any really good movies? I mean, I’m as much of a Nemo fan as the next person; it’s a lot of fun and I own the DVD, but of the five Pixar movies, it’s #5 on my list. Assuming that they haven’t seen movies more than about 10-15 years old (The Wiz excepted), and they were told to focus on films with music (uhm, Dead Poets Society? Again, Bowfinger???), did none of them see Almost Famous? Or Moulin Rouge!? Or even last summer’s The School of Rock? But no, they’re talking about Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit! Not even the someone original, mildly entertaining original Sister Act, but it’s rushed-to-the-screen, crappy-ass sequel which is really notable only for being the first time much of the world saw Lauryn Hill sing.

(Related note: I was an entertainment journalist at the time and interviewed Hill at the press junket. Everyone was asking about her ideas for her acting career since she was the only highlight of this film, and all she would talk about was how she was part of this new Hip-Hop group that was about to change music. That group turned out to be The Fugees, but at the time, who the hell knew? They’re debut album was still a year away, and their breakthrough “The Score” didn’t come until three years later.)

By the way, not one of Tarantino’s 70-words-per-second sentences said anything about the contestants’ film choices. (Even Cowell called The Wiz awful.) If one ever wanted an argument that cinema studies should be considered a required part of the art education curriculum in high schools or a perfect example of how Tarantino has let his self-created celebrity persona overshadow whatever filmmaking talent he exhibits every 4-5 years, last night’s AI showed both.