FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS VOTE REPUBLICAN

Since this is an email making the rounds online, you may have received it already. But what fun anyway, right? My favorite thing about it is how obvious everything is; still, doesn’t the collection of hypocrisy carry more weight when it’s all in one place?

By the way, if you haven’t yet registered to vote, what the fuck is wrong with you? The deadline is fast approaching (the NY State deadline is a week from Friday – 10/8; some other states are even sooner), and registering is just about the easiest thing to do. Rock the Vote can help you register regardless of your residency. If you’re in New York City, you have to go to the Board of Elections in person or mail in a form, which you can get along with all other instructions here. Wherever you are, go and do it. Now. Don’t worry … I’ll still be here when you get back. Then when you’re done, enjoy (or not) ….

THE BURDEN OF BEING A REPUBLICAN

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving and military record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

The end of the email also said that you must send this on to 10 other people otherwise we’ll have 4 more years of Bush. So, obviously, spread the word.