IF THIS IS WHAT’S CURRENT, NO WONDER I FEEL NOSTALGIC

I’ve been meaning to mention this since Monday, but I thought I’d give the channel a second viewing before tearing into it. I’m talking about Current TV, of course, the Al Gore backed new cable channel created for a new generation of media watchers. You know, those of us with low attention spans, who want to see stories that reflect what we’re going through — like what it’s like to be a hot model, for example — and who want to actually have a say in what we’re watching. Those of us in our 20s and early-30s, making our way in the world today. You know, it takes everything we’ve got.

But I digress. I spent about 90 minutes watching Current (Channel 103 on Time Warner cable in NYC) on Monday, it’s first day on the air. In case you haven’t taken a moment to see for yourself, let me say this first: don’t go checking that onscreen cable guide for what’s on. Current doesn’t work that way. There’s no set programming grid. Rather, the channel is a continuous flow of “pods,” roughly 10 minute or shorter pieces of … well … anything. Most of the pods seem to be short lifestyle pieces, although there also seem to be some short-film-like programming. I saw one about young married couples trying to buy their first home. Another was about the lives, and especially sexuality, of young adults in Iran. There were two “Current Hotties” segments, introducing us to the daily grind of models — one man, one woman. All these “pods” have something that will remind you of your iPod: a progress bar that continuously moves from “start” to “end” so you know exactly how much time is left in the piece.

I’ll say this much for Current: Gore definitely put the stamp of his personality on the channel. I thought it was boring as hell.

Actually, that’s unfair. I think many of the individual pieces I saw were fine … not amazing, but OK. But the transitions between pods are just awful, and enough to make me want to change the channel. It seems like they’ve set-it-up to model after the early days of MTV with each pod being a music video. But dammit if I wouldn’t kill for Martha Quinn or JJ Jackson and just some semblance of personality. Whoever was in charge of casting the “hosts” for these segments should be fired and never allowed to deal with talent placement in any form of media. These people are awful. They’re not helped by the sets or the background music or the way it’s shot. Every intro and outro to each pod feels like a really poorly written infomercial. And they obviously cast for looks more than presentation/speaking ability. The hosts may not be helped by the incredibly trite language, but someone good can still make it sound like they’re not reading off of cue cards. It’s as if all the people writing for the host segments on Current are the rejects from the Academy Awards banter-writing staff who then also couldn’t get a gig on any other poorly written, unfunny awards show.

You want an example? This won’t do it justice, but it’s a taste. Here is what Shauntay Hinton says coming out of the piece on young adults in Iran:

OK, seriously though, watching that pod makes me realize that we’re not that much different from the young adults in Iran. Hmmm. We all want the same things, and it makes me realize how lucky I am to be free to do what the hell I want to do.

Yeah!

I’m not making that up. And I can’t adeuqately represent that “Yeah!” at the end. It’s more of a “ye,” if you know what I mean. Whatever it is, it’s awful.

And I actually can’t get off the ridiculous set. It looks like the interior of the round, elevated house in Body Double. They also used an outside set, like on the porch of a house or something. That one was in daylight. The Body Double one is at night. Of course, these run interchangably as I saw both during the hours of roughly 2:30-4 PM when I was watching. You also have interchangable hosts as opposed to any sort of DJ-like scheduled presentation.

Another problem is that their attempt to create something like the internet on TV is flawed. The only way to actually know what might be coming on is to watch the channel while checking on the web site for what the upcoming pods are. Of course, unlike the internet, you can’t yet stop a pod that’s boring you to go on to the next one. You still have to wait for the next one; wait for the little progress bar to reach the end. (I actually do kind of like the status bar though.)

But I can’t get off these host segments because they just riled me so. I almost wasn’t sure what was Current programming and what was a cheap commercial. This confusion was enhanced by the pledge drives calls for material. See one of the things Current offers is an opportunity for any of us to shoot something and submit it to the channel. There are all these on air pleas for the audience to get involved, and while it’s more interesting than a Channel 13 interestitial, it might as well be the same thing.

I know that Current is new, and it probably will take them some time to find their footing, but maybe they premiered too soon because if my second attempt to watch the channel is any indication, they have way too little material. Last night at around 6:30, I turned it back on to find myself back in the middle of the pod concerning young adults in Iran. I mean come on! How often do these pods repeat? I watch for 90 minutes on Monday, and when I come back more than 48 hours later I land on the exact same pod? Does that mean that basically you just need to watch about two hours one day per week and you’ll see the whole channel?

Even though I’m sure Gore isn’t making all the hands-on programming decisions or overseeing production, the channel does, in fact, feel like a 55 year old’s idea of what a 25 year old would want to watch. I’m going to take a break from Current until next week when I’ll give it another shot, and I’m sure that over time they’ll work out more of the kinks and have more pods. In the short term — please fire your hosts and burn down the set; dig a little deeper into the stock music library and maybe you should actually try to model yourself after radio or the early MTV. Then, let’s talk again.

Updated: Do yourself a favor and read Dana Stevens’ dead on and, as usual, more coherent and researched take in her Surfergirl column on Slate.