As bad as I imagined it could possibly be, Crank is, in fact, much much worse. Imagine two particularly immature 14 year old boys who spend 99% of their time playing video games and inexplicably watching bad syndicated 1990s Stephen J. Cannell TV shows like Renegade and Silk Stalkings getting together and “writing” a screenplay. In doing so, they find old people cursing particularly hilarious. They think up every ludicrous situation and violent set-piece possible and make a big list. They’re favorite movie is Speed, yet somehow, they’ve also heard of D.O.A.. (However, I’m sure it’s this one they’ve maybe seen.)
So writing-directing team Marc Neveldine and Brian Taylor aren’t teenagers, but it doesn’t take reading the press notes to realize that they a) wanted to make a video game movie without basing anything on a video game; b) have specifically personified their credits not as two names but as Neveldine/Taylor (people don’t direct movies, you know; entities do); c) are making they’re feature film debuts; and most importantly, d) are successful music video and commercial directors. They certainly bring that last sensibility to Crank full force. The movie starts high octane and never lets up, and I’m sure they see this as its prime virtue. Unfortunately, while that level of adrenaline may be required for Chev Chelios (Jason Statham — a 21st Century Steven Segal) to simply stay alive, it simply is exhausting for someone watching. Crank has so much going on without a second’s pause that its relatively brief 83 minute run-time feels longer than even the bloated Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which is just under twice as long.
Granted, that’s the entire goal of this movie from the title to the shooting and editing styles to the music and other sound effects — the whole thing starts shooting you out of a canon and doesn’t slow down, with every brief sequence feeling like a different level of a video game. But unlike a game, sitting in the theater, you’re not a participant in the action; you’re simply bombarded by it. Sure, enthusiasts can sit in front of their XBoxes and Playstations for hours on end, but would they do it if they were simply sitting and not playing? Reportedly made for a “cheap” $15-Million, there’s no denying that Crank looks very splashy and is technically impeccable, but unlike the truly fun and funny Snakes on a Plane, there’s nothing else there. Well, other than product placement. There’s plenty of that. Puma alone probably paid for a hefty chunk of this budget, what with the multiple blatant shots of Statham in Puma sneakers (in the foreground of the frame) and him then suddenly showing up (after running around West LA in nothing but a hospital gown) at his girlfriend’s apartment in a Puma sweatsuit.
Crank doesn’t have a story as much as a premise. Chelios is a hit man ordered to take out a rival Chinese crime lord. Later the night of the job, he’s ambushed in his apartment, knocked unconscious and injected with a “Chinese cocktail” of drugs that should kill him within an hour. There’s no known antidote, but he wakes up in time to watch a DVD of the gangster who poisoned him describing his fate. The thing is, Chelios has a temper, that temper cranks up his heart (get it) and starts his blood and, most importantly, adrenaline rushing. He starts breaking things, calling his girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) and his “doctor” (Hey, it’s Dwight Yoakam!) and driving real fast. Doc Miles is on a bender in Vegas, but eventually returns Chelios’ call and tells him that he needs to “keep moving” because the adrenaline is keeping him alive. This leads to lots of whacky high-jinks and some very public sex.
The absurdity of the situations and the characters isn’t the problem with Crank, though. It would be unfair to judge this movie on anything less than the fantasy world it tries to create. But so little of what actually happens is even that imaginative. The style may be “innovative,” but the actual filmmaking is full of cliche with every major action totally telegraphed, every situation completely overblown and every joke lacking any actual creativity. (I’m sure in the editing room, one of the biggest laughs came when Statham decides to steal a cab by knocking down its driver, pointing at him, yelling “al Queda” and then driving off as a bunch of senior citizens attack the downed cabbie. Forget whether this is tasteless or not just for a moment; it’s not even funny.)
Crank tries ridiculously hard to provide an adrenaline rush that might seem similar to the one Chelios gives himself by shooting up a full syringe of Epinephrine all the way to its completely laughable (yet still relatively predictable) climax. But sadly, as exciting as Crank wants to be, it’s ultimately one big bore.
Out of Focus 