Out of Focus

… to an old joke courtesy of two-twenty.

“as if their roles in voodoo rituals weren’t enough”

A body being found in the East River is nothing new, but as Gothamist notes this morning, the New York Post is reporting that this body could be that of Spaulding Gray. As I mentioned in my (overwritten) second post, Gray is someone I have long admired and often thought of and is a very important figure in my own development (and lack-of) as a writer due to an experience I had interviewing him about 12-13 years ago. While nothing is confirmed, and this news does come from the Post, it doesn’t exactly come as unexpected and would simply be a sad and tragic ending to the life of not just a great actor, but possibly the best American monologuist and pure storyteller of the current era.

Thank goodness nothing important happened this weekend. Here’s your AIM Morning Briefing of the top 3 things you need to know:

1. Breaking News: Iraqis Sign New Constitution
   It seems that “Breaking” just means “really important.” Of course, this is a transitional constitution that doesn’t address several issues, and they don’t actually have a real government, and there’s still no specific agreement on a plan or timetable for elections … but it’s just a headline.

2. “Facts of Life” Star Returns to TV
   I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting for Mindy Cohn to come back to television. Sure, The Facts of Life Reunion was nice, but a little bit of Natalie just doesn’t go far enough. Thankfully, she is a member of the new WB shitcom The Help, which is apparently a modern day, Americanized version of Upstairs, Downstairs. But it’s a sitcom … and The WB doesn’t know how to make sitcoms, so I’m not holding out hope. However, I’m trying to remember the last time one television show’s cast was domainated by such TV flotsam. Mindy Cohn is not the only major star of TV yesteryear in this show. She’s joined by Tori Spelling, David Faustino and Antonio Sabato Jr. And I feel it’s my duty to also mention (and make sure Uncle Grambo knows that this show has considerable hotness factor, and I’m not even talking about dear sweet Mindy. Rather, check-out Polish beauty Marika Dominczyk as “Nanny Anna,” Camille Guaty as “Maria the Maid,” and Keri Lynn Pratt (a former Miss Teen New Hampshire) as “Veronica Ridgeway.”

3. Opera Singer Fired for Being Fat
   The Royal Opera House in London fires an American soprano because they decided she wouldn’t look as good in the black evening dress costume as a slimmer singer. Apparently, the casting director (Peter Katona) who made this decision said, “In making these kinds of decision, it is not just a question of how someone looks; it is also how they move on stage.” I’ve been to the opera, and I’m pretty sure I even stayed awake. “how they move”? Opera singers don’t really move that much. They stand and sing, then maybe walk a few steps and start singing again. Of course, when you’re going after the MTV audience like the Royal, it makes sense to find the person who looks best in the dress. In fact, it reminds me of that great episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg becomes Johnny Bravo because he “fit the suit.” I dig it, man. Of course, by the end of the episode, we had all learned that there are more important things in life than just fitting the suit. Thanks, Mike and Carol.

HBO has been making fantastic series television for the last several years. People mourned the passing of Sex and the City just two weeks ago, but never fear because a brilliant brand new series just premiered last night. It’s called The Sopranos, and damn that’s good television. I must admit, though … it seemed oddly familiar, almost as if I already knew these characters. Some of the events (such as the surprise appearance of an unexpected wild animal in the backyard, not that bears and ducks are that similar) gave me some slight deja-vu as well. There was some other program on HBO, I think, but it was so long ago, I’m not quite sure. And this show last night most definitely was like a pilot episode. We had time to acquaint ourselves with each of the characters and to set-up a bunch of situations which I suppose will play out over the course of this season. Plus I’ve never heard of anyone named Jamie-Lynn Discala, so I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her name in the credits before. It is nice to see Doogie Howser’s little buddy back on the tube, though. And I must admit that when the catchy theme song started, this feeling of anticipation and excitement bubbled-up in me that also made me think I knew about the show, but no … no. A pilot it most definitely was.

The best thing about this show is that the great recap site Television Without Pity has once again assigned Aaron (not me) to write their recaps Sopranos recaps. You’ll have to wait until the end of the week, maybe even early next Sunday, before he gets it up, but Aaron (still not me) covers most of the HBO dramas for TWoP, and he’s often as entertaining as the shows themselves. And that’s saying something.

(UPDATE: Jean-Paul at low culture has some “water-cooler thoughts” that really sum-up the entire episode. I second the one about Curb Your Enthusiasm. It gets better every week.)

After $212-Million in 12 days, The Passion of the Christ is a bonafide blockbuster. There has already been merchandising associated with the film — necklaces and other kinds of trinkets — but I’m waiting for the Jesus, Pontius Pilate and Caiphas action figures. Now kids in the privacy of their own homes can flay a little Jesus. Of course, they won’t be satisfied unless huge chunks of fake blood and skin fly off with every crack of the whip.

Obviously the power I hold with this forum is far less than I anticipated because while Mel’s opus stayed strong making nearly $100-Million over the course of the week and over $50-Million through the weekend, Club Dread fell right out of the top 10. In fact, a friend of mine went to go see Club Dread at the UA 14 at Union Square on Friday, and when he couldn’t find his theatre. After searching for a few minutes, he went to the customer service desk where the guy behind the counter said to him, “Oh, you’re the one.” Apparently, the reason he couldn’t find the theatre is that it no longer existed. My friend had been the only person to buy a ticket, so the UA had decided to not screen Club Dread and to instead add a screen for Starsky & Hutch which was sold out on all the other screens.

Both Starsky & Hutch and Hidalgo did relatively well, with the former bringin in over $29-Million and the latter taking in nearly $20-Million. The phenomenon that is Jesus continues as it has for the last couple thousand years. I suppose we should try this again, though. So this week, take your choice … buy a ticket for the red Torino or the mustang Hidalgo, and then walk around lost until you realize that your movie has subtitles.

If you missed Omarosa’s ouster last week, here’s another chance to join the celebration. And for even more fun, it turns out Miss Thang has her own website which is really worth checking out. There doesn’t seem to be much there, but in the short bio alone, we learn that she had a “humble youth.” She probably lured him to her little cabin with promises of sweets. Or maybe she just conked him on the head with a piece of ceiling plaster. In case you forgot, “Omarosa’s hobby is pageantry,” and she boasts successfully training contestants in the Miss USA, Miss Taiwan and Miss Guyana competitions. It amazes me that she considers herself an “image consultant” since she provided herself with such a poor one. Apparently, she now plans to be “an author, orator and lecturer.” Personally, I’m not sure if I can handle her as both an “orator and lecturer.”

I realized on Thursday night and again on Sunday that only one week into my life as a blogger, I had already failed you, my loyal reader. (If there are two of you now, YAY!) Thursday, in anticipation of the big opening of the movie Starsky & Hutch, TV Land had a little marathon of original Starsky and Hutch episodes, and yet I — a huge fan of that kick-ass Ford Torino when I was a child — failed to let you know.

Then, last night, sure everyone knew about the big season premiere that everyone was obviously watching, but did you know about Monster Island, MTV’s first obvious foray into the art film? Or at least retro-1950s-style-sci-fi schlockfest? TV Guide summed it up with the quote above, but the real stroke of genious is that none other than the great Adam West plays the mad scientist who creates the very radioactive bugs to carry off dear sweet Carmen. (Strangle enough, although MTV usually just airs things once and then they’re gone forever, don’t despair because Monster Island will be on again today at 2:30, Thursday at 11:30 AM, and Friday at 9PM.)

And people say there’s nothing good on television.

But you missed it. And it’s my fault for not providing fair warning. So right now, I hereby institute a look at the week ahead. Hell, I always wanted Dalton Ross’s job anyway. So below is everything that you should be watching this week, including what’s featured on TCM, the best programmed, and most educational, movie channel on all of television. Of course, all times (and if necessary, channels) listed are for New York City. If you’re not here, well, you have bigger problems.

Continue reading ““CARMEN ELECTRA CARRIED OFF BY RADIOACTIVE BUGS ON A TROPICAL ISLAND””

A friend of mine has recently decided to forward me numerous and often humorous missives with regularity. Why she doesn’t respond to my reply emails, who knows? But that’s neither here nor there right now.

The email was a comment on a terrifying group of which I had previously been unaware: The Presidential Prayer Team. Basically, they want to have people join them in praying for President Bush to do this or that, and the various things to pray for change each week. There is a truly classic poem on the page for the week of 2/26 in which the author states:

Thank God we have a President
who grieves when his dog dies.

That’s true. I am glad that there is evidence that Mr. Bush is in fact human and not simply humanoid. But this is even better:

This one who once was bound by booze
has known a parent's ache
when teenage children cross the line
and make the same mistake.

I know you agree with me that it is truly terrible how those little monster-twins have made him “ache” so. It’s a miracle he’s able to govern at all. Oh wait … never mind.

Last week, on the same page, this organization had a more important goal in its request to prayer, urging the public to pray that the President will “codify marriage as being between one man and one woman,” and more importantly that “biblical values will be honored in this endeavor.”

So back to this email … the original author, Anita the Astrologer (I’m not into astrology, but credit to where it’s due) decided to help point out elements of a constitutional amendment that could be based on biblical principles (please put on your hard hats to protect against sarcasm).

Continue reading “I’M DEFINITELY PRAYING FOR SOMETHING”

The delusional Omarosa finally got her comeuppance on last night’s The Apprentice. Her final words in the cab during which she prayed the others would open their minds a little was a perfect capper to her entire stay on the series. Even more amusing is her answer on the NBC website to the question: “What cartoon character do you most relate to and why?”

The cartoon character that I most relate to is Optimus Prime from the ‘The Transformers’. Optimus Prime is the leader of the Transformers and works as a powerful force of goodness, courage and wisdom in the battle against the evil Decepticons. He first tries to find peaceful solutions to conflicts, but when battle lines are drawn, he becomes a fierce warrior capable of overpowering vast enemy forces to achieve his goals.

By the way, anyone else notice that for the first time, the camera stayed on Omerosa’s stone-cold yet disbelieving face (minutes after her hysterically crying nervous breakdown) as the Donald uttered his now legendary “You’re fired.” Not only did we not get the precious forward-“Walk Like an Egyptian” hand motion, but we didn’t see him at all. This one time … thank you Mark Burnett.

Both Old Hag and Bunsen have written marvelous tributes to the dearly departed. And now, a moment of sil … never mind.

MUG provides its expert opinion today on what should have gone into the new Shops at Time Warner AOL Time Warner Time Warner Center, and really, who can argue with any of them? (Scroll down to “On the Radar.”) I’m generally a fan of Borders, even over B&N, but Coliseum Books is the best, and wouldn’t it have been nice/natural/nostalgic for it to have a location just blocks from where it had lived as a Manhattan mainstay for so many years?

Happily, he doesn’t try to replace the new Whole Foods which is just fantastic enough to make me give Fresh Direct a little less business each week. The weekends there are still hell, but the ridiculously long, winding line that goes from the registers past the body shot, past the cheese, around the coffee, by the olives before taking a turn at the bread and continuing by the refrigerated prepared food only to u-turn at the sushi and head back from whence it came still moves quicker than any line at Fairway. And when I was there early this week in the evening, it was busy but not crowded, and getting through the register took no time at all. Plus, if you didn’t know there’s a Jamba Juice there, hidden in the dining area, well you should definitely try it. While it does unnerve me a bit to see all these California (especially SoCal) mainstays encroaching on Manhattan, when they’re good … they’re good.